You Are Here
Last month we talked about operating from below the line, in a reactive state. And that practicing awareness is the most important thing to do when we’re here.
“Being aware” can feel like doing a whole lot of nothing. But so many thought leaders—in work, spirituality and personal growth—point us in this direction. So what does awareness mean and why does it matter?
Reactive States: How We Get There
Reactive fight or flight states happen when we face anything that feels challenging or uncomfortable: difficult conversations, misunderstandings, unmet expectations, hard decisions. The circumstances are infinite but the emotions they trigger are familiar: anger, fear, sadness, hurt, embarrassment. This happens with lightning speed and none of it is a problem.
But, if we lack awareness, we tangle up these emotions with stories that are often based on our interpretations, assumptions or judgments.
And if we lack awareness we believe these stories. The emotion intensifies, the story gets louder and we can’t distinguish between fact and what we’ve made up, allowing ourselves to get jerked around by our thoughts and behaving in ways that don’t serve us.
Stories: What They Sound Like
Our stories are often grounded in judgment or blame and we go into fight:
They don’t like me. They don’t respect/value me
It’s not fair
He/She/They should have known better/done better
These circumstances shouldn’t be the way they are
It’s His/Her/Their Fault
He/She/They will think I’m incompetent
Sometimes, oftentimes, we direct the judgment or blame back at ourselves:
Why did I say that/do that?
Why am I feeling this way?
I’m wrong/bad/a failure
I should/shouldn’t have done/said/felt X
And sometimes, our response is to avoid and we go into flight:
I can’t bring it up because it will turn into a confrontation
It’s water under the bridge
If I ask I’ll look stupid
I assume what they meant was X
I don’t feel bad anymore so everything is okay
All this stuff that happens below the line is where drama and less effective leadership can take hold. None of it is bad or wrong, it’s just us being human. The key is to know we’re here, like the blue dot on our map app or the red dot at the mall.
You are Here
When something challenging happens, awareness creates space between an unskillful reaction and a skillful response. So here’s what to do:
Notice—”Am I above or below the line?”
Check in with your body—If you’re in a contracted state, your body is telling you you’re below the line (and it usually knows before your brain does). You may notice your heart rate, heat in your face, tightness in your chest, shoulders or hands or an unsettled feeling in your gut.
Name the emotion without judgment—Anger and shades of it like frustration and irritation are usually easiest to name. Fear, hurt, embarrassment, sadness and shame are harder.
Ask, “What story am I telling myself?”—Who or what are you blaming or judging: yourself, others or your circumstances? Or are you telling yourself it’s not that bad or that you just need to ignore it and move on?
Run the story through the truth test—What do you know to be 100% true? Not what you interpret, assume, believe or intuit but what is actually, verifiably true?
This is what awareness looks like.
In her new book Strong Ground, Brené Brown calls this the Above/Below The Line Practice. I love this framing because knowing where you are relative to the line is an ongoing effort, like exercising. Over time we build muscle for this kind of awareness and we recover from our reactive states faster. Then, in the space between the thing that happened and what we do, we get to make a conscious choice—how will I show up in THIS moment?
Our experience below the line is a rich place for learning: about the things that trigger us, the unhelpful stories that become our habitual mental patterns and all the ways in which these keep us stuck.
Next time we’ll explore what happens from awareness. For now, practice asking: Where am I right now?
The answer is You are here.