You Are Here
Last month we talked about what it means to be in a reactive state when we’re playing defense and BEING on defense. In fight or flight or both. I said the most crucial thing is awareness: noticing you’re in a reactive state operating below the line.
I know “being aware” can feel really unsatisfying. But so many thought leaders in so many sectors—business, spirituality, personal growth—point us in this direction. So I’m following and it’s what we’re talking about this month.
Reactive States: How We Get There
Reactive fight or flight states happen when we’re faced with anything challenging or uncomfortable, like disagreements, misunderstandings, unmet expectations, lack of clarity, poorly worded communication—to infinity and beyond. Our brain reads these as threats. Then we experience an emotion, like anger, fear, sadness, hurt, or embarrassment.
If we lack awareness, we tell ourselves stories based on interpretations, assumptions, judgments or our unique perspective.
And if we lack awareness we believe the stories which feeds the emotion which amplifies the story and we find ourselves in something we coaches call a recursive loop. Very quickly the story becomes inarguable to us—even if it’s not based in fact.
Stories: What They Sound Like
The perceived threat often has our stories filled with fight ‘in. grounded in judgment or blame:
They don’t like me. They don’t respect/value me. It’s not fair.
He/She/They should have known better/done better
These circumstances shouldn’t be the way they are
It’s His/Her/Their Fault
He/She/They obviously think I’m not competent
Sometimes, oftentimes, we direct the judgment or blame back at ourselves:
Why did I say that/do that?
Why am I feeling this way/that way?
I’m wrong/bad/a failure
I suck
And sometimes, our response is to “flee” (avoid) and our stories sound like this:
I can’t bring it up because it will turn into a confrontation
It’s water under the bridge
If I ask I’ll look stupid
I assume what they meant was X
I don’t feel bad anymore so everything is okay
This is all the stuff that happens when we’re below the line and, if we lack awareness, where drama and less effective leadership can take hold. And to be clear: none of this is bad or wrong, it’s just human. The knowing where we are is the key, like the blue dot on our map app or the red dot at the Mall.
You are Here
When something challenging happens there’s nothing to fix or do except to know You Are Here:
Notice and ask, “ Am I above or below the line?”
Check in with your body—heart rate, heat, tightness in your chest or shoulders). If you’re in a state that feels contracted or tight, your body is telling you you’re below the line (and it usually knows before your brain does.
Name the emotion without judgment—anger is usually the easiest to name; fear, hurt, embarrassment, sadness and shame can be a little harder.
Ask, “What story am I telling myself?”—are you sending arrows out into the world or back at yourself? Or are you sticking your head in the sand (You suck! No, I suck! Everything’s just FINE)
Run the story through the truth test: What do you know to be 100% true? Not what you interpret, assume, believe or intuit. What is actually, verifiably true?
This is what awareness looks like. This is what it means to be here.
In her new book Solid Ground, Brené Brown calls this the Above/Below The Line Practice. I love this framing because knowing where you are relative to the line is never done; it’s a lifelong commitment, like exercising. Over time we build muscle and start to recover faster. And in that space between a thing happening and our awareness, we buy ourselves time to consciously choose what’s next.
It turns out the world below the line is a rich place of discovery and learning. Next month we’ll explore what happens after awareness.
In the meantime, just practice asking: Where am I right now? If you’re below the line, try to identify stories you’re telling yourself and whether or not they are 100% true. Then take a deep breath or a walk or a nap and see how the world looks on the other side.