Gifts That Stop Giving
All of us have a core identity that we’ve relied on for our success. The identity is built on inherent strengths (gifts!) that we’ve likely relied on for a long time.
If this identity becomes our one-trick pony way of handling stress and challenges, our leadership effectiveness takes a nose-dive; the skills we use to connect, problem-solve and get results start working against us.
In Mastering Leadership, Bob Anderson & Bill Adams group these skills into 3 types—heart, head and will. Their breakthrough idea for me is that when these gifts get caught up in our automatic defensive, reactive patterns, they stop giving.
Here’s what this looks like:
Heart ♥️
At their best, leaders with well developed heart skills build connection and engagement. They attune to others’ points of view and growth. They are gracious, inclusive, beloved leaders.
Under threat (when something gets between them and their harmonious relationships), heart-skilled leaders may move into patterns of behavior and thinking that undermine their leadership. Their needs for approval and to be liked prevent them from making hard decisions or giving difficult feedback or asserting a different point of view—they go from being effective to being compliant.
Head 🧠
At their best, leaders with well developed head skills are exceptional problem solvers and analytical thinkers. They are cool under pressure and people rely on them for their stability and calm.
Under threat (when something gets between them and how they think things should go), head-skilled leaders may move into patterns of behavior and thinking that undermine their leadership. Needing to be right and seen as competent, they might over-argue their position or, to the other extreme, distance themselves from others, both physically and emotionally.
Will💪🏻
At their best, strong-willed leaders are action oriented, committed, heat seeking missiles for getting results. They are the engine for highly productive organizations and teams.
Under threat (when something or someone stands between them and their results) strong willed leaders may move into patterns of behavior and thinking that undermine their leadership. Needing to get things done at all costs, they become overbearing, controlling micromanagers, sometimes rolling over others to get what they want.
We all have combinations of these skills, but one type likely drives our unproductive behaviors when things heat up. Regardless of which identity feels threatened, the path to more effective leadership runs through these 3 steps:
1. Notice you’re on defense:
“I’m in a crunchy, reactive state” (and I know it because my chest is tight, my head is buzzing, my heart is racing, etc).
2. Name the pattern:
"I’ve dipped into my pattern” (people-pleasing, needing to be right, controlling).
Resist judging yourself for being in this pattern. The behavior you’re in is just a signal. Use it to build your awareness.
3. Get curious so you can shift to something that works better:
For Heart Types: How is my need for approval/to be liked not serving me or my team? What actions/decisions am I delaying due to my fear of disapproval or being disliked?
For Head Types: How is distancing myself not serving me or my team? What one thing can I do to engage with my people and their ideas?
For Will Types: How is my intense focus on results harming my relationships? What’s my over control costing me? Where can I loosen my grip and include others?
Then show up in a way that honors you and your gifts.