Gifts That Stop Giving
All of us have a core identity that we’ve relied on for our success.
If this identity becomes our one-trick pony way of handling stress and challenges, our leadership effectiveness takes a nose-dive—our skills for connecting, problem-solving or getting results start working against us.
In Mastering Leadership, Bob Anderson & Bill Adams have grouped them into 3 types—heart, head and will. We all have combinations of these strengths but one type tends to be our go to. Their breakthrough idea for me is that when these gifts get caught up in our defensive, reactive patterns, they stop giving.
Here’s what this looks like:
Heart ♥️
At their best, leaders with well developed heart skills build connection and engagement. They commit to others’ growth and attune to their points of view. They are gracious, inclusive, beloved leaders.
Under the heat of daily challenges, heart skilled leaders may move into patterns of behavior and thinking that undermine their leadership. Their need to be liked and approved of dictates how they show up in the world: they avoid making hard decisions or giving difficult feedback or asserting a different point of view. Out of fear that their core identity is at threat they move from effectiveness to compliance. (pg 188)
Head 🧠
At their best leaders with well developed head skills are exceptional problem solvers and analytical thinkers. They are cool under pressure and people rely on them for their stability and calm.
Under pressure, head skilled leaders move into rigid patterns of behavior and thinking. Their faith in their rightness may have them close off and distance themselves from others, becoming remote, isolated and protective. (pg 188)
Will💪🏻
At their best leaders strong-willed leaders are action oriented, committed, heat seeking lasers for getting results. They are the engine for highly productive organizations and teams.
Under threat (when something/someone is between me and my result) will-skilled leaders may move into patterns of behavior and thinking that make them hard to work for: they become overbearing, micromanaging and controlling. They tromp over others to get what they want. (pg 188)
1. Notice it:
“I’m in a crunchy, reactive state” (and I know it because my chest is tight, my head is buzzing, my heart is racing, etc).
2. Name it:
"I’ve dipped into my (fill in the blank) pattern"—people-pleasing, needing to be right, or controlling tendencies (or a mish mash of all 3).
Resist judging yourself for being in the pattern. The behavior you’re in is just an indicator, a signal. Use it to build your awareness.
3. Reflect then choose a more effective perspective or action for this moment:
For Heart Types: How is my need for approval/to be liked not serving me or my team? What actions/decisions am I delaying on my fear of disapproval or conflict?
For Head Types: How is withholding myself not serving me or my team? What one thing can I do to engage with the people around me?
For Will Types: How is my intense focus on results harming my relationships? What’s my over control costing me? Where can I loosen my grip and include others?
And breathe.
These are simple (not always easy) steps and they work.