Less Hamster. More Elephant.
Everyday challenges, even nothing-burger things, can fill us with fear. Here’s an example of a conversation I recently had with a client:
Me: What stopped you from asking that question?
Client: I didn’t want to look bad, like I didn’t already know the answer
Me: What’s wrong with not already knowing the answer?
Client: I’d seem incompetent (not likely but let’s keep going)
Me: What’s your fear around incompetence?
Client: If my boss thinks I’m incompetent, I might lose my job
From asking a question to being out on the street. In nanoseconds. This is what we humans do when we sense threat and feel fear. My client felt powerless to ask a question because his sense of safety and security existed outside himself, in the hands of his boss. Obviously, bosses fire people all the time. The problem is when our fear leads to ineffective, automatic behaviors, like not asking the question (avoidance). As Brene said: “When we’re below the line, we’re reacting from fear and our behaviors are mostly outside our awareness. Fear is driving.”
Unacknowledged fear has us reacting to challenges in maladaptive ways, usually through over-reaction (fight response) or avoidance (flight response). This gets particularly tricky when we lean so heavily on our greatest gifts and they back-fire, like this:
We overuse our analytical, problem solving skills to stay safe when we: insist on our rightness, refuse to ask for help, pretend to know when we don’t, act invulnerable (mix of over-reaction and avoidance).
We overuse our relational, people skills to stay safe when we: choose being liked over being effective, avoid difficult conversations or hard decisions, are indirect and don’t assert what we want and need (avoidance)
We overuse our ability to get results to stay safe when we: micro-manage, don’t delegate, and run through or over others to get the results we want (mix of over-reaction and avoidance).
You may recognize yourself in all of the above or some combination. The practice is to catch ourselves doing it and then to choose something different because here’s the deal: if we’re reacting unconsciously to the conditions around us and weaponizing our greatest gifts thinking they will save us, we’re likely in a cycle of ineffective behavior. There’s a trigger (problem!)—we react (Fight! Or Flee!)—the threat recedes (tricking us into thinking something’s resolved)—we go back to our set point (we feel “deactivated”) until the next trigger.
So, from awareness, what spits us out of this cycle?
Curiosity does.
Whether you lead with your head, your heart, your will or some combination, here’s what the shift to curiosity looks like and how the reactive cycle breaks toward creative leadership:
Head/Intellect Skilled Leaders (Brainiacs!)
What are others seeing that I’m missing?
How is their point of view just as or more valid than mine?
How can I advocate for my position in a way that gets buy-in?
What price am I paying/my team paying when I withdraw from or withhold in the conversation?
Heart/Relationship Skilled Leaders (Bleeding Hearts!)
How will I have this conversation in a way that’s direct and maintains our connection?
What decisions do I need to make that I’ve been avoiding? How will I communicate my thinking so that the team feels included/heard even if it’s hard?
What behaviors will I practice that are more effective and impactful than people-pleasing?
Results/Execution Skilled Leaders (Control Freaks!)
What is mine to own and what is theirs?
Who can do it 80% as well as me?
In what relationships do I need to rebuild trust?
How does my micromanaging impact the team?
What price am I paying for my “results at all costs” behaviors?
These kinds of questions move us out of our reactive cycles and into a more effective place where good leadership happens.